My friend, chocolate
So Easter has come and gone, hands up who’s bought those reduced Easter Eggs that were screaming at you from the Super Market shelves? Hands up who bought those Eggs for ‘Little Timmy’ knowing full well deep down that you had no intention of giving them to him and it was really bought for that cosy late night chocolate craving? Well as I’m an honest woman I will own up and tell you, I did both of the above.
Some people say that there is no such thing as sugar addiction, take it from me, I’m an Addict, I will always be an Addict and I am definitely a Sugar Addict. I can be mentally strong sometimes and have chocolate in the house and not touch it, what I do is tell myself that if I really want it I can have it but I fast forward to how I will feel after and that usually stops me, not always mind !
Some days I have absolutely no control over it whatsoever and once I have just one bite of it that’s it, I’m off and running, the Powerlessness is on me just like alcohol was. So why don’t I apply the same principals to chocolate as I do to alcohol?
Truth is, I don’t want to give it up completely!
I’m both an emotional eater and chocolate Addict, having said that they are both the same thing, Addiction boils down to wanting to change the way we feel and chocolate does just that for me, even now writing this I am imagining that first bite hitting my tongue, then when it gets to my taste buds I can literally feel it hitting the endorphins in my brain just like Gin used to. When I am in this euphoric state nothing else matters and all rational thoughts go out the window ‘so what I’ll get fat!’, ‘so what Bert the Body Builder doesn’t want me, I have chocolate, chocolate is my friend’….But is it?
When I’ve eaten the whole lot it takes a while for the feeling in my stomach to catch up with my Brain, just the same way as drink did. Suddenly I get this heavy sluggish feeling in the pit of my belly, then it rises to my throat, then it hits my Brain ‘why the hell did I do that?’, ‘why didn’t I abstain, I’ve done it yet again, ruined another day’. It makes me feel absolutely rotten afterwards, not to mention waking up in the morning feeling shaky and like I have a hangover!
So what’s the answer?
I try not to buy it in the first place but if I do it is minimal, Easter was a write off for me in terms of my chocolate addiction and although I can still go into spates of relapse it’s okay, no big deal. I don’t punish myself with berating thoughts anymore, nor do I self sabotage in the gym to make up for it, that was an old behaviour and no longer serves any purpose. These mindful changes did not happen overnight and I wonder if I will ever conquer my sugar addiction, only time will tell but until then I’ll enjoy the odd bar and remind myself that I’m Human.